I'm going through the roughest time of my life... It's weird when you think things can't get worse in your life, but they are again, again, & again

I don't think I can have anymore pain... Nothing can cause me more pain, unless it's something really huge like a losing a dear person....Otherwise I feel so bad to the point I feel it's difficult to feel any worse... It's hard to find something that will truly hurt or effect me anymore than what I already feel... I'm not exaggeration, that's how I really feel

Theres stories I used to hear about things that have/do happens to people of the type I never thought for a second could happen to me in my lifetime, but ironically some shockingly have lately

I keep on falling harder and harder to the point I laugh to myself about the first few falls I THOUGHT were rough.... I think theres no room even for comparison to what I was calling a rough fall no too long
ago...and what is reoccurring recently

BUT... I will will say in Arabic:

الحمد لله على كل حال

It is life even if I feel the mass majority of the time I feel like I'm a timed bomb ready to explode in any second with a lot of mood swings here there along with the intense depressive feeling to the point I have thought why should I live!!.. I don't feel I even deserve to breath... I know that's wrong to think that way, so please don't lecture me about how wrong it is to think in such a way... I know already

To add to it, we have family visiting staying in our house... One with me in my room... I can't breath or , get anytime alone, so difficult to find an area in my home that's calm without hearing distractions or being followed... I don't want anyone to feel anythings wrong either in the time they are visity

A lot of suppressing feelings, silents, and acting that all is just fine/perfect... Need to make sure everyone's having the best and most pleasant possible visit in our house for these 2 1/2 weeks

So no everything is far from working out for me... I don't log in often because even though I'm not a new member I feel like a total outsider and out of place since about the last hummm 4 months after a few posts & topics here and there.. It's basically you and one other member who realize I haven't been around. I do browse through sometimes without logging in sometimes... Logging in is another story

Anyway, FIRST, I've said TOO MUCH... Second, I'm sick with allergies I guess from dust in the air, strange because I rarely get sick it's mainly just my usual long term health issues ONLY.. Third, I've had a serious lack of sleep for days... Forth, I will very soon probably be interrupted losing this quite peaceful atmosphere ALONE in my room which leads to the want to exit here and take the advantage to truly rest and relax PEACEFULLY... maybe sleep, but I will be happy if I can just relax... I haven't had this much time alone anywhere in the house without annoying nose for a while... I wonder why the house seems oddly quite

miss. hpoe

don't be so hard on yourself

in our life time , we must FALL in order for us to learn how to pick ourselves up again

Honestly , i always try to "motivate" myself with such words to be positive



and "Believe me" i know how annoying to have a guest living in your room

it is so disturbing especially if you don't like them so much



? you mentioned something about health issues . are you alright

if you don't wanna talk about it , i completely understsnd



and please don't feel like an outsider

we are all here together like brothers and sisters

المشاركة الأصلية كتبت بواسطة ليش لا (المشاركة 664318) miss. hpoe don't be so hard on yourself in our life time , we must FALL in order for us to learn how to pick ourselves up again This is not an ordinary fall... I know those... This is big bold red breakdown... Do you know what I mean? Would u call it ok when your really stressed and pressured to where you go out alone and then get lost forget where you were out for... Even roads you know ""basics" you can't find your way without losing all lot of time until you remember again... You have no one close to help you or that you can relay on... You just are really thankful you have a therapist who understands and is a life savoir... (only hope & help) ... A therapist can't be with you like a friend or family though,... so what do you do...!? You can't sleep barely for over a month... Your nights are intense pain/depression like you never could have imagined could happen... You think to yourself... Could the intense pain get any worse... You desperately wait until the morning cause as usual you can't sleep.. Just cry to yourself in bed literally wonder when is it going to get better... You feel like you are really seriously truly losing your mind terrified... You have issues with your stomach related to long term issue you've had, but it's become out of control suddenly totally at the wrong time... You get very sick and can't even drink water or swallow any medicine... With high levels of blood pressure.... With hormonal issues... Plus sever lack of sleep... NOT to mention the mental part... You are very stressed/sick and you want to go to the hospital and your parents are so cold and harsh with you!!! Telling you no... You go eventually by yourself another time much later when you feel so tired to drive... This happens again & again... Or you just stay that way cause your not allowed to go... You try a lot of medication combination and nothing is working.. If you think you found something that works it lasts for a few hours only only after it's injected directly into your blood... Finally, you find a much more new advanced med. then you have been using for years...., but because it's new in the country the ministry of health is seeing whether they will keep it in the country.. Can only hope it will stay... You can disappear in your room for 24+ hrs and no one asks or wonders if everything ok... You are remembering every single painful thing that has happened in your life (past & present)... and they all feel like they actually just happened now as fresh and recent... and you remember things you don't recall/remember happening!!?? Leaving you overwhelmed and confused... What can I say.... Honestly , i always try to "motivate" myself with such words to be positive and "Believe me" i know how annoying to have a guest living in your room it is so disturbing especially if you don't like them so much They aren't annoying... I was sharing my room with my Grandmother... She is the closest family to me... She doesn't let me breath though and wants to be with me all the time... I love her to death, but I struggling before she even came... I can't sleep and when I finally feel I will fall a sleep towards early morning she is waking up,,, so I have to wake up and she needs special help I wasn't able to get hardly any rest, and I wasn't aloud to show something was wrong by strict orders from my parents.. I couldn't even go out for a few hours to breath... The biggest thing is that my Grandmother was telling me only very intense and specific details of her difficult past.. One example is stories of her father raping her... much more I can't even say... SECRETS no one knows she was only telling me because of how close we are.... My heart was tearing up more & more by what my ears were hearing... Further more.... She has changed... She doesn't care about her health. She has very very forgetful and has issues with hearing... All which what she is in denial to... I was feeling I'm going to lose her after she travel back to America... Just like I lost my Grandmother here... I wasn't near her in her last months because my father didn't allow me to... but everyone else was by her side... The worry of losing a very special person again when I am not near... So many things..... ? you mentioned something about health issues . are you alright if you don't wanna talk about it , i completely understsnd and please don't feel like an outsider we are all here together like brothers and sisters

المشاركة الأصلية كتبت بواسطة ليش لا (المشاركة 672931) good morning miss. hope it's nice to see you around i can only say . may Allah be with you and make happiness the theme of your life A'meen i will help you by the only thing i can do . i will always pray for you may i ask you ? do you go to school ----> university . i'm in k.s.u here in Riyadh ? and do you have a hobby or somethimg like that i'm embarrassed to say it but i watch some anime episodes in my dark days , when i was really sick i used to watch some to pass the time

Thank you Sultan I feel you are a true friend and kind hearted person

Don't worry about the animes... Why the embarrassment.. Nothing will shock me in my world so you can say whatever you wish without thinking twice about it.. Seriously I mean it.. I am a different type of person.. I don't get shocked or judge... We are all different and have our own world.... My brother is going to turn 22 and he loves Japanese anime... He waits until he can download the latest episodes in Japan right after their release after they are translated into English... I don't know whether his friends know about that...

In my dark days I pretty much stay in bed hardly eat... OR have something related to Psychology, gathering pictures mostly that express my mood (a mix), and mmm this forum..., but probably Psych. is the winner.. It accumulates a lot of my brain and the way I think and live my life... You can't separate me from it

I am done with univ. for about 5 months now... I have put down one job already right before I was about to officially start it... The second job is coming up soon in September.. I passed their interview with a percentage of 87% as the second one on their list...., but now because my days are very difficult I worry how will I function and be productive... Thinking to cancel it too.. My job isn't on things, but on people so it's critical to be functional.. Mistakes at least for me wont be tolerated even if others don't make a big thing about it... In my nature I like to do the best I can in what I like...., feeling I may not be able to live up to my personal standards really bothers me ... Not being as good as I would want to be in my field because I just freshly graduated..That's ok

Though when the reason is because I feel I think clearly and focus, etc... That's another story

My hobby or something I like is almost strictly all about Psychology whether it's a books or internet or me applying things I know, or if possible voluntary work or any help to other when I see the chance or just on forums because helping gives me a different type of happiness and I have been through a variety of things in my life and I know how hard it can get..I know how much I feel I want support sure that there's others that feel the same...As they say:

حب لاخيك ما تحبه لنفسك

Anyway, After all the Psychology that the top consuming thing to my energy thought everything... there come the rest...V
V
V

After that in order is hunger of gathering information about whatever crosses my mind for hours, gathering pictures when I have so many already, life quotes... About the life quotes, I have been subscribed to this news letter for quite a while thats all about inspiring and motivating you in many important areas (inner self, career, life, hope,...etc)... Everyday I get a quote about something... They are really good quotes too ... They also send inspirational movies or a notification about a new book... I rarely find something that doesn't catch my eye

You may feel like I'm copying you because as you will realize we are similar with the like to pictures and quotes.. I am not copying you though :) It's just a similarity..

Do you like to modify pictures?

How were you really sick if you don't mind me asking?

What are you studying? I feel like it's something related to a lot of math.. maybe wrong guess

I am sorry I'm talking too much

miss. hope , don't say anything like that

it's always nice talking to a "friend" like you



mmmm

no , not really but i like writing on pictures

i mean i always search for some good and meaningful quotes

then i write these quotes on pictures

like this one


http://www.gmrup.com/d1/up13101563021.bmp






no i don't mind at all

i was pretty much scared to death from doing any thing

even eating or any simple thing

i never leave my house for days and not even for the mosque

and that was more hard for me as a boy

and i drop out 2 semesters

الحمد لله على كل حال but




:) i'm afraid it is a worng guess

i'm studying English language in Teacher's college

and next semester will be my last one en sha Allah


congratulations on your job

? and what do you mean by "my job is on people" do you mean a teacher

المشاركة الأصلية كتبت بواسطة حنيــن (المشاركة 673249) صباح النور والسرور عليك اخي سلطان لك وقفات لا تنسى ولا تحصى معي والله اعلم بها اخي واتمنى ان تضع توقيعك هنا لانه يهمني توقيعك اخي الفاضل :- وقفات شكر وعرفان لمن لهم فضل علي من بعد الله في منتدى نفساني :)