good morning miss. hope

may Allah makes your days filled with happy and joy


i really wish that i can help you with anything i can



i know what it feels like to be tired from thinking too much

smoetimes i feel that my brain is like 110v device plugged in 220v plug

No theres nothing... I'm over. doubt I will have anymore existence

Memories tons that feel like they aren't just memories but they all just happened on the top of the list is a violent sexual memory the happened through a friend of 9 yrs was more than a sister this wasn't too long ago... deceiving and strange how people change and can be so evil..

Cruel cold mean family (FATHER).. I would LOVE literally to live on the street instead of with them

HEALTH... they say my situation is actually really bad and something could happen but they wont hospitalize me and the medical system is trash..

I ate my first tiny mean very late last night otherwise the last time before that was on Friday!!! I'm very dehidrated but wont give me fluids in the blood even though I can barely even drink just barely sips of water... ZERO to barely any sleep over a month

High blood pressure reaching the highest according to my memory 177/110 and untreated and they refuse because according to my symptoms they think that there is something wrong with my kidneys which is core explanation for the BP and the stomach issues so if they treat the dehydration the blood preasure will go up than they think a complication will happen to my kidneys which they think has an issue but there not sure and they send me home as I am and tell me to follow up in the outpatient and the outpatient oppointments are at least a month away.. The ER do nothing and if you push they fight and say go to the outpatient and they outpatient says wait at least a month to two months Ridiculous... Are they kidding me.. and the ER say is actually dangerous to have your fast big weight loss conteniuing with the symtoms your talking especially if it's long term so you seriously need to get the closest meeting with a doctor and the other say wait and you get angry and still get no where

not to mention your father getting in the way acting like he cares out of no where when he has been shouting at you over a month when ever you say u need to go to the doctor saying oh nothings wrong with you no living the house

so I thought maybe he is willing to change is he is believing that theres something... We go and he ends up fight shouting loud at me in public in the hospitail making people saying things like you are a mentally disturbed person... than walking away and from far in the hall way shouting when you get home I am taking your car keys away and will have another way with you

I've done nothing to deserve this... no treatment no nothing no freedon no sleep no rest no food no water no peace of house personal room or mind from anything

I broke down again yesterday in front of my mom hysterical crying and they issues with breathing like a panic attack losing my mind very stressed tired overwhelmed feeling sverly preasured

you know what she does!!!?? She says I need to leave I'm going to be late I have an oppiontment of dying my hair!!!!!!!!!!!1 go to get dressed and leaves you home alone

after about an hour you push yourself to go out to do things you father will kill you if u don''t cause he has been pushing and he cares about is a job.. so your alone when you shouldn't been driving tired and fuzzy thinking and you feel you are going to faint and you send a message to your mother telling her by the way I am feeling very sick nauseous and faint... She calls much later than before hearing what she have to say she saying oh I need to hang up busy with something getting her hair done!!!!

so I am home no fathers outside and will leave again before he comes and really does take my keys away... I will try with the hospital one more type...

Otherwise I think I hd enough and I don't see anything to be breathing for... extremely hurt FRUSTRATED angry pressured....the list can continue

Theres more than was mentioned too... Today is it I've been suffering for quit a while and today is the day where i just cannot handle it anymore

Don't know what to do extremely depressed losing my mind I'm in very bad mental state

miss. hope

may Allah helps you and make your life happy

Ameen



i want to say someyhing but i don't know much about you

? you finished college , right

why don't you find a job

if you have money you can think of something to do

maybe living alone

i don't want to say this , but i have a similar problem

i hate my father , and i'm waiting to graduate so that i can leave the house for good

and my psychological problems are because of him

Ignore the mistakes.. Seem to always have to have some sort of mistake typing or talking verbally these days.. Frustrating

about my father , i DO hate him . and i hate him too much

and i said it to him a few years ago

? then he said : is there anyone who hates his father

then i said : YES there is , it's me


-------------------------------------------------------


i think that is a good thing for you

because knowing the issue is the first step in the way of improvement

you should follow the doctor's instructions carefully

and you will get better en sha Allah

You seriously said that ((exactly))... !!!!!!!!!!

Strange Sultan

That exactly happened with my father and me word by word letter by letter... If I was to be really honest the feeling of hate overcomes any others... sometimes there are no feeling other than hate..

En sha allah I will get better with some hope and inner power... Things I don't have or LACK

Still doing test though... Have more tomorrow early in the morning... Suppose to meet her too and show her whatever test result I've got so far... For one my stomach endoscopy was very bad for a person in my age.. I knew based on how I felt that there must be something wrong, but I never thought it would be to the degree the results showed

This hormone (Cortisol) has effected a lot of things in it's long term high levels... I wish I knew earlier

Don't want any more bad news from the whole sonar tomorrow.. Concerned about what the blood results will show which wont be done until maybe Sunday otherwise Monday for sure... I feel it's a long time to wait..

See!!! Don't tell me I don't talk too much... I'm so frustrated and irritated these days to where I feel I can talk and complain forever

I must have swallowed a RADIO heh

miss. hope

i'm worried about you

it has been a few days sence i saw you

Don't know what to say.... I am worried..

Don't know what to think or not think about when it's all important and SICK of hospitals..

I went along with my therapist saying my parents SHOULD/Need to come, and I don't know how I agreed.. It was suppose to be the three of us them and me, but then I backed out... Now I'm getting much more stressed just because of that thinking maybe I need to go regardless of how I DON'T WANT TO AT ALL I'M DONE....., but I feel there might be misleading, misunderstanding, or not enough clarity if I am not there to speak for myself and let the therapist actually see how my father is with me...

I really don't want to go, and I had made a decision that I wasn't going already... Having second thoughts.. Don't know what to decide.. The not wanting to go, and that hate/regret for the whole idea of having them go to my therapist overcomes by far what should be done which is deal with and go..

Tired and things are getting worse... Spending lots of time in hospitals and haven't heard anything comforting to my ears.. I'm giving the illusion to myself that I'm better by taking more care of how I look to act/lie to myself that it's a wonderful perfect day and everything is fine... Theres nothing wrong right!? It's just a bad dream... My family gets puzzled though thinking I'm in a better mood. but it's just an act... clothes, hair, and make up blah blah blah are easy to use to give the illusion of better good mood

Don't feel like going or caring anymore, but if I don't care who will!!?

Tired

I should be going to the hospital AGAIN very soon now, even though I got back home by 1 AM last night alone from being in the hospital since 9 ... People may wonder why I'm alone, but what can I do that's how it is...

The day before I was out alone and something very scary I was seriously thinking I need urgent help was about to tell strangers around me to call emergencey.. but than the feeling went away but I a lot more tired.aflter still puzzled about what that was terrifying.. I couldn't drive and in crying called my mom to PLEASE come to take to me to the hospital... statyed there for a while did test that weren't going to ready until later 3 hours later... My mother took me back to my car and I was suppose to try to go to a girls party and didn't the energy... Didnt buy a gift or have a clue about to wear nothing! My mother insisted I should go anyway... She said my dad wont care about rules of what time I need to be back home... It wasn't worth arriving at 9 when I needed to be home by 10.. Turns out I had no time as long as I said when I am getting ready to leave... I couldn't believe it.. My dad doesn't care if about that anymore hummm... A got back by 2 AM even though I was in a girls only birthday party in a safe environment I felt like I have committed a crime for coming back so late as if I was a bad girl.. My dad was sleeping heh with no care or worry... Couldn't believe it because he is or used to be VERY VERY VERY strict..

need 2 go

_____________________________________


it's nice to see you miss. hope


i think you should go to the therapist with your parents

because she will know how your parents treet you even if they

. didn't say or do anything


waht did the dotor told you when you went to the hospital



is there any improvment

_____________________________________

hi miss. hope

first , i can only pray for you to get better en sha Allah

and please let me know about the results


second , i'm positive that going to the therapist along with your parents

is a good thing for you , even you fight each other there



third , it seems that we share somethings together

when you said that you have zero respect for your father

it's like you were repeating my exact words

i mean , i'm always saying thing like this about him

but , what can i do ? this is the nature of life and we have to fight in order to have some peace

It's not right or ok to have zero respect for parents though

The religion says it's not right.. We should always treat them with respect any elderly in fact... That's how it should be.. We have zero respect, but we will be accountable for that zero respect on judgement day

I try to, but it's easy said than actually done... Talk is easy... ACT is much stronger and weighs much more... WORDS actually mean nothing in comparison to act

Eight more hrs before I need to start getting to go IN MY OWN CAR... Giving myself an hour of me morning time not going to rush cause I am already nervous... Than an hour just for the road unless I want to speed and rush...

I will meet them there.. Their alone and I'm alone

i know it's not right and it's not acceptable for us as sons and daughters

. to treat our parents or one of them in that way

. however , it's not their right either to treat us in badly just because they are our parents

i know it's not our place to judge them , but what can i do

. i have been trying every possible way to make things better with my father , and i always fail


by the way , yesterday i wanted to tell you that i know some good doctors and therapist here

. so if you want , i can the clinic's number


i wish you the best of luck

I wish I had more to say than what I am about to say about your father, but I had a very bad day in relation to my father partially as today was the day they went to my therapist.. I went too.. (it was mainly the worse thing about the day but turned into partially due to a memory marking shocking situation afterwards which wins for being the main bad thing)..

Hopefully ONE DAY you will succeed in making things better with your father.. If it changes to the better little by little that's still ok despite the slowness, just don't close doors on almost everything giving up.. I have closed and locked doors on so much even between me and myself... Something is better than nothing so keep the effort going with your father, it's something that deserves time, energy, and effort put into it... I think sometimes in a all or nothing way about things, but you can't think this way with these types of things

About the clinic.. I am not in search for a good therapist... The therapist I have is very good, I have no complaints.. I could score him even better than very good... I'm the issue ME ME ME :( .. I feel so sorry for anyone who has to deal with me especially NOW... I can imagine I do make people frustrated.. I can't handle/stand myself for quite a long time lately.. It's just getting worse.. I can't/wont face anything anymore... I feel I'm barely standing heh if my state is even called standing,.. it's more like falling repeatively.. so I get worried I cant bare ANYMORE pain as a reasult of facing things.. I worry I will lose myself and I don't want that.. I scared to death about losing myself... I feel I feel enough pain already that I can't manage hardly so I don't want MORE!!!! Even if it's temporarily.. Also building things up more and more isn't a solution.. I wish there was a middle road... My Mom says you've become the specially of building walls.. She thought I wasn't that even when talking with my therapist which she didn't like as she saw herself today... It has nothing to do with him though or trust matters.. I wasn't like this before.. Stuck in my own web.. I'm really struggling.. Something happened today that will NEVER NEVER NEVER be erased from my memory.. Kinda don't know what meaning thought feeling reaction to give the situation pushing it to yet another closet in hope for it JUST not cross my mind :'(

Your in Riyadh right? I ask because I'm not in Saudi Arabia, but in another gulf country... I would have wondered what the number is for doctors physical wise not psychologically, but were not living in the same area.. I don't think so Sultan

I feel on this page like I'm a selfish person because I just talk about me me me... I like to try to be supportive to whose supportive to me in whatever circumstances/settings allow me to be supportive as well or at least a listening ear even if it seems like nothing but you never know sometimes little things do a lot, BUT all I do is talk about myself here too much...

Feel FREE to talk too Sultan it doesn't bother me actually it will take my mind off myself I have a lot of free time.. A lot of free time in my world is bad for me.. I'm happier when I have things to do to fill my time up.. All this time after graduating is starting to feel like death or suffocation.. I stopped thinking about cancelling the job because I will go out of my mind if end up having even longer time with Nothing to do.. Day time job doesn't even feel like enough.. I want something similar a having more than a few classes in univ. where you go to class, but your work doesn't end because you have things to do home a lot for those classes.... You Know What I Mean!!? Boredom and too much time to just think more and more with hardly zero to nothing to do with your time isn't a good thing.. I don't think I can consider myself the type of person who can function that way

Kareem are you talking to me or Sultan?

If your talking to me... Why not about what?

I'm sorry I don't understand

hi miss. hope

hi mr. kreem


i'll be back soon en sha Allah

Sultan... I'll get back to you soon.. It's weird you've said you've said...

I'm silently laughing.. wondering.. thinking

Hummm

Well,.. I've got to go my mother wants me to take her to get a few things so C ya soon

I know it only makes sense or meaning to me.. I was talking to myself haha.. you kind of sounded like another person though in a few things... coincidental

Laish lah

I haven't heard from you for a while now which is not like you! You are usually around and active in the forum

Well,... hope all is good, and your just busy

I'm actually in a good mood today.. In two days I hit the hardest I have and stayed silent in my room for all that time, was quit worried going crazy with crazy stupid dangerous thoughts/plans at the tip on my finger about to really stupidly commit as if it was truly a logical solution, but I didn't.. I got quit fearful with no trust in myself with the way I have been thinking in my moods lately which was it's worst I can EVER recall later in the day on Sunday to be exact..A sudden huge mood shit to the worser... Mostly the lack of care for whats right anymore for my good and being sick of everything including anything in relation to people... ...

Strangely I also think in that little time a transformation has happened.. A totally different attitude, mmm not totally but a lot different than the before attitude .. Seeing hope AT LAST AGAIN...

Hoping I don't lose this.. Want it so bad so strongly.. Don't want to lose track backwards.. The point I got to was horrible horrible horrible lifeless hopeless ,....,...etc A dead walking person who wanted nothing nothing of life, but an exit out of it instead of back to it.. Thats how I describe it

If I allow myself to got back to that darkness I will be very upset, but no one to blame but me

Some thoughts of that dark time still remain, and I feel they ARE a reality not be just me being negative

For one, my thoughts of my family haven't changed, don't believe for a second that any of what what I'm thinking is exaggeration... It's does make me quite extremely silently angry for someone to say what I say in regards to my family is an exaggeration... I thought over it repetitively in doubt of myself maybe yes I'm wrong, and no I don't think so.. It's isn't an exaggeration... Still angry actually, but don't wish to argue... I'll just consider that one comment as an individuals personal opinion.. My angry will ware off I know, because I don't hold grudges easily towards people, by far I don't.. A person has to have done a lot or something quite huge in order for me to hold a grudge.. I think that's actually a bad thing in a way, because then in result a forgive too much and SOME not all take advantage of that.. Maybe I'm too kind.. I know I can be being a big hearted person manage to find excuses for people letting things pass and then something happens.. It's a pattern actually that's is repeating itself and has happened many times before with a significant number of people in my past.. Well, I wont worry about it, I guess allah will deal with them.. Right!? Why Should I care? Doesn't mean I want the pattern to keep on replying, but I wont worry only under certain circumstances.. You can't know what's going on in everyone's mind no matter how much you want to or try it isn't always possible.. You can build assumptions or believe of what may or just may not be, but sometimes you will just never know.. Time will simply always (most of the time) will show somehow what things are.. Wouldn't it be nice if what someone was thinking would be written on their forehead, or everything was just clear and direct with honesty... Of course a lot of people don't like that, but I think from my past I've gotten quite used to hearing direct true things to the point I'm numb to getting shocked.. I do go nuts if I have to think for myself trying to understand something ... whys and hows?? I have one particular friend who has won in blowing my mind away with what she would boldly throw at me.. I don't think I was ever that shocked in my life like the shock she gave me... She did that so many times to where I really think I've managed to create an immunity..

On this earth I guess you need to expect the unexpected the bast you can... Theres nothing more than the best you can

You see I can go on and go talking from one thing to another like I'm talk deprived... I exceeded the time I had to reply because I seriously need to get things done that just can't hold like they are, therefor I have no time to look over what I wrote, so I hope I have no mistakes and everything's clear..

Sultan, I hope your ok, and that we'll hear from you soon inshallah

good morning miss. hope
how are you ? i hope that you are feeling good
in the past view days i had some problems in my internet connection
and that's why i wasn't able to be here
.so, tell me what's going on with you these days
? me ? my father is threatening to kick me and my brother out of the house . can you believe it
Actualy i'm happey because that will be a prove against him and everyone will know the truth about him

hi miss. hope , i really didn't notic your comment until now . sorry

it doesn't matter if i'm right or not , because i'm not going to have any options when he kicks me out
look , the problem started way back "years ago" we simply hate him because he is treating us like he owns us
i'll tell you one story as an example
when i was 8 or 7 years old i told my father to buy me a ball to play with , but he didn't answer me
then i told him again but he didn't answer me as well . then i told him please buy me a ball
then he grab an iron stick "pipe" and hit me as hard as he could by that iron stick . and i was 7 years old only
. i raised my hands to protect myself , the first blow hit my right hand . and now i have a permanent scar in my hand
so , now i think you have an idea about what kind of a person he is
. one year ago i decided that i had enough from him then we fought each other and i told him i despises him and i will never speak to him ever again
. and since that day i didn't speak to him . but these days my brother is also ignoring him and this is driving him crazy
: To answer your questions
yes my brother is a student and we are still in the house . my mother is upset but she can't do anything because my father never listens to her

and Ramadan Mubarak to you too

:)

NO, it's not something to be happy about... I was trying to say that it's not all negative

There is nothing good about your personality and who you are that you've gained that maybe wouldn't be in you if you didn't go through what you've been through...nothing??!!

Are you sure? or are you saying that in anger perhaps.....!! I wont call you a demon nor a devil... You can feel however why you want to feel.. I think though that you feel that way because you let the feeling of hate for him to overcome anything else to where that's whats controlling you, because you have a very high feeling of hate/dislike towards.. Hate sometimes can make you blind and make you take actions later you may regret... or may not... Forgive me, but I don't think you would feel nothing if something was to happen to him... Haven't you ever felt 100% sure about something... lets say even 100 million percent sure and then shocked yourself later finding out no it wasn't how you thought.. Has that happened to you?? if yes.. thats what I believe in regards to you saying you wont feel anything

I've felt that way so many countless times about my father too... I know that feeling very well.. Anger, hate, rage, dislike,...ect are the controllers those times I felt it's doesn't matter... Just want him out of my life

Yeah well if my parents acted differently towards a lot of things and my father didn't treat me the way he does I probably wouldn't have had even a quarter of my psychological issues either.... Has not speaking to him truly mad things better? Are you under his threat still? You need to try harder... Crazy !!!.. A comment that makes you angry perhaps..., but seriously try harder... You've totally just gave up

About the insane part... Learn skills to help you cope to stay sane like the way you think (CBT) or learning how to truly do relaxation frequently does help... Those are my main things, but there's more... Remember I was complaining about losing my mind so stressed and in a bad condition to where I would forget my house, streets, what I was outside for,.... etc and I wouldn't recall sometimes until after a while... Not fun... Scary..

I'm not kidding.. You both are students it's not wise to get kicked out at the time.. You need to at least come to some sort of compromise... AT LEAST A COMPROMISE... You have to.. Your almost done with university you can move out when you get a job, but not because Total strangers or to where if you ever need to face each other in the future you can't talk act calmly together without a fight...

You still can't give up... No matter how impossible the situation seems or painful it is to push yourself to try still, because you CAN'T stand him.. You can't stop.. It's sound out of the question or crazy, but that's the right thing to do.. Baby things at least to get by... It's doesn't have to be that nice father and son relationship...


What I say may very likely sound crazy or like I just don't understand, but I have the same issue.. My father is the person who has hurt me so much again and again from long long ago a selfish insensitive person cold who can just lose control with anger.. My brother is so precious to him though...I guess I'm the child by mistake that he didn't want.. Wait I was if he tried to divorce my mom while she pregnant and have nothing to do with her... ...I can never forgive him NEVER EVER... But I wont allow myself to act like him and treat him the way he treats me... I try not to I seriously... Just because he does wrong things doesn't mean I have the right to act wrong too towards... Are we mature adults or children! I don't want my hate to take over and it has, but I try to stay aware to when I'm doing that.. I want to be better than him.. If one of us doesn't try something or act right than we well lets just kill each other in a fight to death..

It isn't easy..

Mashallah y not and miss hope u speak english fleuntly
i hop too

Kareem with effort and a true want to learn the the language you can be fluent like us

Sultan, well only you can decide and control your future... Only you can be responsible for that no one else.. I wont degrade you for you decision... It's up to you.. If you ever..ever change your mind I'll support you.. I just want to help.. I think you know too even though I may have seemed rough or insensitive or both that's not what my aim is.. I know how it can be

Anyways....

About Ramadan strange you ask in relation to the heat...!! Health is the issue :( Isn't it always hot outside... Super hot more now though.. You get cooked, and don't feel any air conditioner is enough until much later do I feel the effect... I feel wheres the air :) Don't laugh, but I wish sometimes that I could fit in the freezer that way I'll cool down much much quicker when I get home from outside.. In general I get hot easily and want the air conditioner COLD a little above what could be called the average... My Mom and Dad though want it so warm while my brother and I about die

No fasting and heat could be much worse if your were a laborer working outside in the heat directly... I get hot just walking from our front door to my car outside to go out... I hate the heat.. Winter is better... Winter and rain

No it's ok fasting in hot weather, because it's not like your going to set outside under the sun directly... It's just a matter of walking through it from your car into places, and having good car AC... oh and good AC in the places you walk into as well... It's not the end of the world. It's not I'm thrown in the desert with NO shelter I'll survive..

HEALTH is the issue and it's making me upset... I can't fast like I would like... For health related reason.. I WILL when I think I can, BUT :( can't grantee to succeed fasting to end of time before breaking fast... Number one main issue lately I'm struggling a lot with sever pain where if I take nothing I can't even walk a short distance from point A to B.. Forget about the walking it gets really painful... If I don't I will letaraly get stuck somewhere seated until that peroid of pain going away itself in hope it goes soon or my painkiller... At home I will just lay in bed, and I always keep my medicine beside my bed with a bottle of water with something to eat in a small closed bag usually biscuits.. I can't take the painkiller unless I take the stomach meds then wait then eat the finally the painkiller...

I even yesterday just bought a stronger painkiller... The other didn't always work fully sometimes, but enough to where the pain is much less to where I can ignore it if I'm busy with something and NOT walking around a lot.. Feel it more standing don't know why... I needed the stronger one because I don't want to feel disabled because of it.. I want to control it not the other way around.. It didn't only have the issue of not controlling the pain (times more then others), but worked for even less then half a day, because I would exceed the daily total dose possible in that little time as the instructed way of use for acute pain!! I didn't do that exceeding on my own... heh what about the rest of the time!? The rest of the hours of the day.. What I have things to do!

Pain that is bearable during fasting it's ok..., but that not my pain is anymore... With no medication it can get out of control..it's acute.. It will stay this way until I get a surgery scheduled, but theres things that needs to be done before that.. It's not just a matter of setting a date.. I need survive and manage until that time

good evening miss. hope

long time no see

how are you ? i didn't see you in a while

i hope you are okay and everything is working out good for you

why not and i hav hope

i miss u

i hope u are good